International House of Proboscis
"I don't want to fuck the pony. I want to be the pony." — @Drain Todger
David Andrew Jamison Jr. (@Drain Todger on Kiwi Farms) is a galaxy brain autist who sperged out about COVID-19 so hard that he doxed himself less than a month after joining Kiwi Farms. Unfortunately for David, this blunder led us to discover that he's also a...
- Brony who jerks off to cartoon ponies.
- Godawful fanfiction author whose works include a grimdark My Little Pony fanfic with explicit sexual content.
- Sissification fetishist.
- Obvious male who looks/dresses/acts like a man, but sometimes claims he's a tranny for some goddamn reason.
- Son of a schizophrenic Jehovah's Witness who once stole his car because she was convinced that his father had demonically possessed Ray-Bans.
- 30-year-old who still lives with his parents. Not out of financial necessity, mind you, but because he lets his dad guilt-trip him into staying.
- Notorious sped who's been making a spectacle of himself in various online communities for nearly two decades.
"I rather get corona than read that wall of shit." — @Daddy's Little Kitten
"I never knew a man could :alog: a virus." — @Spooky Bones
"Dude can you fucking stop? You're going to be the next Ashley Lynne Coulter." — @jellycar
"Lol you need to get a hooker nigga" — @mr.moon1488
"Just fuck up my sides" — @Bat Soup Reviews
"I think I saw you standing at a bus station screaming at a garbage can once." — @Ruin
David is such a prodigious sped that a single Xenforo post literally can't contain all his autism, so I've divided this OP into a three course meal:
- Part 1: The Self-Dox Seppuku Saga — This section covers the COVID-19 chimpout that brought David to our collective attention.
- Part 2: Portrait of a Smug Autist — This section attempts to characterize the personal flaws and patterns of autistic behavior that make David a lolcow.
- Part 3: The Clown Library — This section is a guided tour through David's embarrassing Internet history, from him sperging on Halo fan forums at age 11 to him writing 4000+ word sex scenes about how it feels to be dominated and cumflated by a big fat horse cock at age 30.
Speditor's NoteThis thread was initially written as an approved halal for Kiwi Farms, so adapting it for lolcow.org has led to a few oddities. Most people shouldn't give a shit, but I know some sperg will ask if I don't explain it, so here's what's different:
- Since I can't make Xenforo quote boxes with the little arrow that takes you to the original post on Kiwi Farms, I've instead included links to the original and archived versions of the post at the top of each quote box.
- All file attachments within the quoted posts have been reuploaded to lolcow.org and reinserted in the appropriate locations. Some of them needed to be altered to make them work here, but all the original content is still there.
- All @ mentions have been left unaltered, so most of them won't link to anything unless there's an account here by the same name. The sole exception is the credits section which links back to each user's profile page on Kiwi Farms.
Part 1: The Self-Dox Seppuku Saga
"I kinda expected to be halaled eventually. Surprised I never had been, before. I am kind of a jackass on the internet." — @Drain Todger
Our story begins on March 1, 2020 when the gods of autism told David to spread the bad news of Corona-chan to the unwashed heathens of Kiwi Farms, prompting him to deliver his first sermon. This post was initially pretty well-received, presumably because it was so fucking long that hardly anybody actually read the whole thing.
On March 23, David posted a link to his aspergic treatise in the COVID-19 Megathread:
Three days later, David created the "Wuhan Coronavirus - COVID-19 Analysis & Summary" thread to shine a spotlight on his autism. This thread would soon become ground zero of David's tardpocalypse. If you'd prefer to see it for yourself, then consider this your spoiler warning. Before you go, here are some tips to survive your trip to the Chernobyl of autism:Drain Todger said:
This is getting a little scary, folks.
The nose cells controlling smell are nerves. The virus has been found in people’s cerebrospinal fluid. If people are saying it’s not neurological at this point, they’re being disingenuous. :cryblood:
- The bulk of the drama occurs within the first ~20 pages. After that it largely settles into a pattern of David tarding out about various topics and people telling him to lick his doorknobs. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the thread is still funny, but the main narrative of David's self-dox wraps up long before the end of the thread.
- Read a few of David's posts just to get a sense of what he's like, then skip all the rest of them. Trust me, I've read more of his shit than any sane person should, you'll save yourself a lot of soul-crushing tedium if you just scroll past most of his posts. All the best shit got quoted in people's replies anyway.
David wasADHD said:@Drain Todger the Microsoft Word document with this information that you linked a couple times in the megathread has the name David Jamison in the author section of the details tab. Are you this David Jamison? If you have actual credentials, you may as well get verified.
EDIT: I was right about the name, wrong about the LinkedIn profile.
Drain Todger said:
Archive of result the tinyurl link.
So either he is David Jamison or he is trying to pass off David Jamison's work as his.
I don't care either way. My only point was if he wanted people to take him seriously and not as a doomposter, he might as well get verified.
EDIT: It's his work.
Sensing that the real name of an undoxed retard had been posted to Kiwi Farms, @zedkissed60 sprung into action. He tracked down David's Facebook, his father's LinkedIn, and a number of other things he shared in the Kiwi Farms chat:Drain Todger said:
When David realized that Zed was rapidly triangulating his nutsack, he panicked and started deleting as many accounts as he could. He then joined us in chat and tried his best to act like a good sport:zedkissed60 said:
Meanwhile, courageous first responders (@Yotsubaaa, @teriyakiburns, @ADHD et al.) were searching for survivors in the wreckage of David's DFE suicide bombing:
Yotsubaaa said:@Drain Todger! 😁
Mind if I drop these here in this thread, too? I thought everyone would find them super informative.
You're welcome! (For real though, lay off the benzos and calm down a bit, bro.)
EDIT: And now you're deleting fucking everything!
Remember guys, always archive!
searched his name and "mlp" and got this
more shows up in the results, but he's gone either gone full DFE or he's renaming accounts
edit: Searched more based on a snippet of info from @zedkissed60, which explains some of the weird results I was getting in searches before
writes pony fanfic
it's edgy shit
wuflu doomer thread
On March 29th, less than 24 hours after he said he needed to unplug, David returned to the thread to gloat about destroying the evidence of his autism before we could find it:Yotsubaaa said:@Drain Todger. You've seriously been a nonstop doomposter since like 2013?
(That whole thread by the way is our buddy @Drain Todger talking about how he's such a super-autist that he can't even sit at the same table with old people without getting triggered, and something about how he doesn't bathe for a week and then rubs his armpits on people.)
That link he put there goes to this post (also archived):
In the non-archive version, they've since removed his username:
He was so sure of himself that he even included a list of all the shameful Internet history he'd allegedly purged:Drain Todger said:
Shortly thereafter he decided the list was a dumb idea and replaced it with this…Drain Todger said:
- A near-inhuman level of autism that shouldn't reasonably be able to exist in one person without causing a micro black hole.
- Me whining for years and years that Anita Sarkeesian isn't a real critic and political correctness is bullshit.
- Insert more sperging and clowning around here.
- Thousands upon thousands of words of trolling political commentary where I went on a forum full of neoliberals and proceeded to push their buttons by suggesting that post-scarcity economies are possible and we should pursue them.
- Anti-war stuff and tinfoil-hat theories about neocolonialism.
- /mlp/-tier Ponyfaggotry.
- Just generally being disgusting and perverse and whining that I can't post porn on SFW boards.
- Getting so frustrated with moderation on all the XF nerd boards I went to, I actually created my own XF board with lawlessness as the main theme. Currently closed, sadly. I'm getting sick of paying for server fees and domain renewals on a dead site, to be quite honest.
…but not before @Yotsubaaa captured the original, allowing him to call out David's edit:Drain Todger said:
Undaunted, David continued his victory lap and underscored his boasts with an autistic train video:Yotsubaaa said:
David's bravado not only failed to deter Kiwis from looking into him, it inspired them to dig even deeper. One thing they found was that while David was busy tarding out here, one of his coworkers was literally dying from COVID-19:Drain Todger said:
I edited it out not because I don't mind you knowing those things, but because I figured it was an unnecessary distraction from the virus. I would rather you all use your time and that sizable investigative skill digging into COVID-19 than digging into me, because, at the rate things are going, that would be a much better use of your time.
They also found evidence that users of other forums had become aware of David's presence on Kiwi Farms:Token Weeaboo said:@Drain Todger Here I'll break the news for us Kiwis so you don't have to;
The artcile he linked https://www.kitsapsun.com/story/new...le-terminal-employee-covid-19-dies/5089988002(archive)
Plot twist, it's turned into a story of revenge!
David was predictably unamused by this development:Kaede Did Nothing Wrong said:
David doubled down on his attempts to get us to stop by pretending he was unfazed, then dropping one of the most autistic insults in recorded history:Drain Todger said:
Just, out of the blue, like they stalked me all the way here. I didn’t tell anyone. They all figured it out on their own.
Isn’t that kinda fucking weird? I mean, I don’t dig into their posting habits on other sites.
Imagine how catty these people are. “OMG *THASF* is posting on Kiwifarms, we must scold *THASF* now!”
Jesus. Get a life.
Again, the Kiwis simply weren't buying it and continued to harvest David's sped nectar:Drain Todger said:
Desu Mountain said:
You need to create an account to view the thread, but I took a screencap of the first page.
Desu Mountain said:
Token Weeaboo said:
Looks like someone finally took noticed over at The Sietch that @Drain Todger posts all gone MIA.
He changed his name? Well, damn. I'll NEVER be able to find it.
Well at least they're owning us libtards with his presence.
This general introduction thread on The Seitch points out this is our true Train Dodger / THASF. They even talk about his XenForo forum The Digital Wild West (a)
So how many XenForo2 Forums are we at now? Questionable Questing, Space Battles (banned), The Sietch, Sufficent Velocity (Banned and bleached from the website), Frozen In Carbonite.
Am I missing any or am I about to be lied to?
David then tripled down about how unrustled his jimmies were by the fact that the members of one of his old hangouts (Questionable Questing) were shitting on him:Desu Mountain said:
In hindsight, the last paragraph of David's post about Questionable Questing seems oddly prophetic given what happened on Kiwi Farms just one minute after his post:Drain Todger said:
I did not lie. I was entirely willing to drop it. Those people made the first move by coming after me. As usual, I was punished for defending myself, while everyone else got off with a slap on the wrist. If I was smart, I would have simply reported the thread and moved on.
Indeed, David was not smart. Not only had he engaged Kiwi Farms, he had tried to flex on the forum's users in a pitiful attempt to reinflate his ego after the embarrassment that followed Zed's initial dox. This would prove to be a costly flex, as David's refusal to simply take the and move on is ultimately what motivated me to post a follow-up dox containing every last bit of his autism that I could find:Drain Todger said:
I've clipped the quote because the contents of that post became the basis for an entire section of this thread (Part 3: The Clown Library). For the sake of the narrative, here's a quick summary of some things it contained:Spedestrian said:
- David's home address.
- David's horny comments on My Little Pony hentai.
- David's alleged gender dysphoria, which may or may not just be him LARPing as a tranny.
- David's godawful fanfiction including a grimdark My Little Pony story that he's still writing today, an antique Sonic fanfic he wrote when he was 11, and a summary of his Halo x Powerpuff Girls crossover "The Son of Reach" (the full version is sadly unavailable).
- A very young David posting about how much he hated his dead sister on a Halo fan forum.
- David being mocked, banned, and generally reviled across a wide variety of sites.
- David getting exposed for lying about why he closed his forum Digital Wild West — it was clearly a direct response to the first wave of doxing.
- Shitloads of other autism.
He also claimed he was getting off to this humiliation. It's unclear whether this was an embarrassing truth or an autistic misdirection, but either way :Drain Todger said:
Sometimes, I see images on those boards that are particularly disgusting, and I troll the comments. Deal with it.
He also expanded on several humiliating nuggets from the second dox:Drain Todger said:
I don't want to fuck the pony. I want to be the pony.
I'm pretty much exclusively submissive and into fem-pov and sissification shit, so this idea that I'd be fucking anything is moronic to begin with.
Being the fuckee, on the other hand, is definitely more my speed.
Yes. That's right. You can feel it, can't you? That creeping suspicion in the back of your head, and with it, a sense of looming dread.
You can't defeat someone with a humiliation kink. It's not possible.
It's basically the autist Tank class. Every blow to my ego only increases my satisfaction.
Drain Todger said:
I was twelve fucking years old when I wrote that.
Twelve. Years. Old.
Secondly, you don't know my sister as well as I did. I loved her very much, however, she was very, very difficult to live with.
I bet you'd think she was pretty based, but in reality, she was fucking weird.
- One time, when I was 6, I was autistically banging on pots and pans with spoons for fun, and she grabbed a spoon and threw it straight at my face and gave me a black eye.
- She would always start fights with me, and they would always end in me being bruised up and begging her to stop fucking bullying me.
- She was a Christcuck like you wouldn't believe and would deliberately censor every single movie, every single piece of printed media that I ever came in contact with.
- She would make Jurassic Park dinosaur screeches to cover up the curse words in movies.
- She was hardly ever around. She would go to those JW Kingdom Halls and basically stay late for the Spanish service on top of the English service.
- Her journal contained all sorts of crazy shit, like seeing gay couples in the mall and fantasizing about killing them.
And yet, in spite of her flaws, I loved her very, very much. I get drunk and I fucking cry over her, dude. There isn't much else I can do.
Anyway, pretty much the moment she died, I started looking for hentai on Limewire and reading disgusting FF.net lemons back when they still allowed lemons, and my descent into abject degeneracy began.
Based janny @It's HK-47 saw through David's autistic ploys and pointed out how his assblasted actions spoke louder than his words:Drain Todger said:
The David Carrier was an even more autistic version of Eggman's Egg Carrier, by the way. I mainly wanted one for myself, just because, well, I had a thing for big metal "air-ships" like in Last Exile.
Too bad gravity makes them impossible.
That's another thing that always bugged me in Halo. Bungie stopped giving a shit as to whether or not certain UNSC ships were atmosphere-capable. The Pillar of Autumn's launch in Halo: Reach was cool, but let's face it; if that thing had actually taken off that close to us, the downwash would have fucking blown everything away.
The PoA weighs 9 million metric tons, or as much as 3,214 fully-laden Saturn V rockets. The downwash from the required 90,000+ meganewtons of thrust for this scene to be possible would be hilarious.
Let me put it this way; Noble Six would never have had a dramatic last stand with those Elites. There would no longer be a launch gantry, or a base, or anything left standing for many kilometers.
It's HK-47 said:minute there" in the same statement. If you're not bothered, then you can just let us know what you ran around and deleted.
After that the thread largely settled into a pattern of David tarding out about various topics and people mocking him. Instead of leaving the forum like any sane person would, or at least coming back on a different account, David has continued to post on Kiwi Farms as @Drain Todger to this day. He's actually become fairly well-liked on A&N and other conspiritard-friendly areas of the site, to the point that some users actually stick up for him. I'll let you draw your own conclusions about what that means for the site and its current userbase.It's HK-47 said:
David's original thread also kickstarted a few cow-specific memes:
- Lick your doorknobs — @Adamska's creative way of telling David to kill himself.
- Neurotrawpic virus — Comes from David's unusual pronunciation of the word "neurotropic" in a YouTube video that has since been privated. Spelled in various ways depending on who's mocking him.
- David Clop — @AltisticRight's derisive nickname based on David's degenerate cartoon pony lust.